Hurt
by Raven494
Summary: For Sam, the emotional consequences of a failed job are like rocks that start an avalanche. Luckily for him, Andy was never one to stand passively on the sidelines. Hurt/comfort
1. Reaching out

**Title: Hurt**

**Author's note:** this is my first attempt at fanfiction, so please be kind (but honest!). I love to read and I have recently been frequenting the RB board, but that does not automatically mean I can actually write. So, feedback is much appreciated.

**Disclaimer: **blah blah blah, who reads these things anyway? But I'm a herd follower, so here you go. NO-I-DO-NOT-OWN-ROOKIE-BLUE.

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Normally liquor was his ticket to oblivion. Not to say he was an alcoholic, because that would imply he couldn't control himself. But whenever something just got to him too much, Sam just wanted everything to go away. Like tonight, when he found that girl in the basement. Dead, with a contorted, frightened look on her face. It was burned into his mind. He would never forget those unblinking eyes. The poor kid had died alone, with no loved one to comfort her, because he had been too late…

It hit him harder than he'd anticipated. He couldn't help but notice that these days everything seemed like a race he couldn't win, an adversary he couldn't outrun. No amount of good he did was able to compensate for that dreadful feeling that consumed him when he failed. Sam gulped down more of his scotch, relishing in the burning sensation in his throat and the increasing cloudy one in his head.

Jerry had offered to keep him company, but all he wanted to do now was be alone in some place with no memories. Then the unmistakable sound of a ringtone filled the room. It was only so irritating so he would be forced to pick it up, thus ending his misery. If only he had a button to end his pain now…

"Swarek," he said, his voice rough. He hadn't even checked for caller ID. Whoever it was, he would keep it short and blow him or her off.

"_Hey."_ The sound of that voice got his heart beating a fraction of a second faster.

"Andy?" It had occurred to him that he was using her last name less and less frequent. But he didn't want to think about what that might mean.

"_Yeah. We would have been having this conversation face to face if you'd been home, but.."_

Surprised, Sam got up from his slumped position on the bed. "You're at my house?"

"_I was. Knocked 3 times. Then I remembered you're not nocturnal in such a way you require everything to be as dark as Dracula's coffin."_ She cleared her throat. _"Are you okay?"_ The joking tone was completely lost now. He could hear the sounds of the city through the phone and closed his eyes, picturing his rookie on the other end of the line.

"Yeah." Trademark smirk in place. Only this time he couldn't even convince himself. He could hear a sigh on the other side, then nothing. He licked his lips.

"No." It was barely a whisper. Sam didn't like to admit weakness. He was the go happy cop who could handle anything. Except tonight.

"_Want to talk about it?"_

"No." He remembered how they had exchanged the same conversation, only it ended in such a different way.

"_You know, I have this friend." _Sam closed his eyes, just concentrating on her voice. He didn't care about where this was going, only that she was talking. _"Stubborn bastard. But he made good points. Like how partners are supposed to be there for eachother. Something about having eachothers backs no matter what. But I guess like Oscar Wilde said, good advice is only meant to be passed on."_

Sam chuckled despite himself, and somehow the dewy hotelroom seemed a little brighter. Letting his mind go free was a mistake, because in a flash he was back in that filthy basement, pointing his gun at that creep…

"I almost crossed the line." That was what bothered him the most. It was the first time he'd lost control of himself and he didn't like it. Not one bit.

"_What happened?" _ There was no judgment in her voice. Just genuine concern. She could have just accepted the facts, mutter something that was supposed to be comforting and leave it at that. The fact she didn't touched him.

"I…found the missing girl. But we were too late. Just by what could have been only a few hours. And the sight of her….it was just horrendous…" he trailed off, squeezing his eyes shut. "And then I found him—the guy who did that to her. I almost pulled the trigger." His left hand was flailing like the weatherman's. How could he describe the feeling wanting to kill someone?

"_You were protecting yourself." _

"No, I wasn't. He had already surrendered, jabbering on about his innocence." Sam stared straight ahead until the damaged wall of his room had become blurry and smooth. "But I didn't care. All I saw was that poor girl and I just wanted to kill him. I kept thinking to myself I could shoot him and call it self defense. I would have probably gotten away with it."

"_What stopped you?" _

"Shaw came in. I couldn't risk the shot." He could have said his moral code had stopped him. But though Andy would probably have believed it-she still thought he was a good guy- he couldn't sell it to himself.

"_That doesn't make you a bad person, Sam. It just proves you're a human being."_

He got up to pace through the room, though the haze in his head added a sway to his movements.

"How does it make me any different from the murderer I wanted to kill?" That was his biggest fear. Becoming what he hated.

"_Because a murderer would have taken the shot anyway. Because your actions are out of love and dedication to the people in this city. Because you cared about that girl." _

He had to give it to her. She sounded so confident he wanted to believe it.

"That doesn't make it right." His voice was flat, void of emotion. He was exhausted, the last energy in his reserves flowing out of him.

"_Where are you staying? I'll come over." _She suddenly demanded, probably alarmed by his response.

"No, that won't be _necessary_. I'm a big boy McNally. I can handle myself." The clipped tone was intended to make her back off.

"_That has nothing to do with it." _Now it was her turn to get snippy.."_ I'm your partner and I want to be there for you. Your problems are my problems."_

He appreciated the sentiment, but it only made him more persistent. "McNally, Lethal Weapon references aside, remember what happened last time when we tried to _talk_ in a situation very similar to this?" Childish as it may be, he still hadn't really gotten over that. And nothing like a day as today to dig up past hurt.

It went silent on the other side and he briefly wondered if she hung up on him. _"Sam, I know I hurt you with…the way I handled things."_

"Damn right I was hurt," he mumbled, instantly regretting saying those words the moment they came out. Alcohol sure made people talk.

"_Look…you were there for me when I needed you. You put your trust in me when no-one else would. Please let me come over and be there for you."_

Sam swallowed hard. He knew that confession took a lot from her. Andy wasn't one to admit any kind of sentimental weakness. But it also raised an important question.

"Andy, I don't want you to come out of obligation." He did things for people because he wanted to, not because he expected something in return. "Besides, nothing really happened. I just have to get over it, that's all."

"_Sam, I want to come because I care. I would be with you already if I had known where you're staying." _

He was honestly taken aback by that. He knew she did care about him, but he wasn't sure how much, especially with the recent awkwardness going on. But as good as having her company sounded, he knew he should decline, for both their sakes.

"I don't think that would be such a good idea."

"_Why not?" A_ hint of agitation entered her shaky voice. She probably thought he was going to do something to himself.

"Because I don't trust myself around you."

Ages seemed to pass by. Sam absently tapped his fingers on the table.

"_I have enough trust in you for the both of us. Now give me the address!" _

There was something in her voice that made him almost automatically comply. She would make a great leader someday. Still, something held him back. He cracked his knuckles.

"What about Luke?"

"_What about him?"_

"Does he know you want to come over here?"

"_He knows he can't stop me."_


	2. Magnets and metal

**Title:** Hurt

**By:** Raven494

**Chapter:** 2

**A/N: **Wow, thanks for the favorites, alerts and reviews everyone! I'm so happy you guys are enjoying this. I had originally intended it to be a oneshot, but you motivated me to write more. Let me know what you think!

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Andy knocked on the door in rapid succession, three times like she'd always done. She took a deep breath, calming herself down. The tense atmosphere and the sickly yellowish tinge in this rundown motel were getting to her already and she'd only been there for a few minutes.

The door swung open in typical Sam fashion: quick, just a second after she had knocked. '_Just like he was quick when I came to him for comfort,' _she reminded herself, recalling the uncanny speed at which he had answered the door, as if he'd been expecting her.

"Hey," she said, bouncing slightly on her toes, taking in his appearance. Sam looked like hell. His usually warm brown eyes looked like impenetrable obsidian orbs and his skin was ghostly pale, contrasting badly with this charcoal hair and equally dark crewneck shirt. The recent weight loss that had leaned out his features and body didn't go unnoticed either and Andy was suddenly hit by a wave of guilt. He had been helping with the case for a while now and she hadn't noticed how much it had hit him. Tonight had just been the final straw.

"You sure know which places to pick." She let out a low whistle while making a show of ogling the decoration—or rather, lack thereof. The only thing that wasn't damaged and filthy was the wine coloured carpet she was standing on. Then again, the dim light in the room probably hid a lot. "The receptionist is missing an X chromosome along with some teeth, so in comparison you don't look too bad," she noted sarcastically and was rewarded with a hint of his trademark smile.

Still, the witty retort she had expected from him didn't come and it made her nervous. Sam had the tendency to look dangerous when he was vulnerable and today he was very vulnerable. The whole place screamed 'undercover safe house' and she wondered how many times he'd isolated himself after something like this. "You came bearing presents?" Sam snapped her out of her reverie, eyeing the big bag she carried along with suspicion.

Andy beamed, taking 2 pizza boxes out of the bag. She held them out in front of Sam like pompoms. "You can't hold your liquor on an empty stomach," she clarified.

"Scotch is expensive. I chose the cheapest way to get wasted," he said dryly and the empty tone of his voice put cracks in the façade she was trying to maintain.

"Pepperoni or Quattro formaggio?" she said, making a point of smiling brightly at him. She could see a "no" brewing in that dark gaze, and she subconsciously held her breath.

"I bet I'm a lot less messy with that cheese pizza than you, _rookie._" He crossed his arms, chin tilted in mock arrogance. "You're on," she challenged, relieved hear some life seep back into his voice. "And I'm not a rookie anymore," she added, pretending to be miffed.

"You could be 10 years in the force and you'd still be _my _rookie." Andy blinked, caught off guard by the affection in his voice. Before she could say something Sam had turned away, suddenly very intrigued by the pizza.

They ate in silence and Andy occasionally flicked a worried look at her partner. He ate with infuriating grace, even though what he ate wasn't much. Her cheeks flushed when she had yet to peel another piece of stringy mozzarella from her face.

"I should have put money on that bet," he said softly, leaning in to wipe away a stray speck of tomato sauce off her cheek with his thumb. She froze, her breath caught in her throat. She hated how her body reacted to his touch. It was like everything slowed down and magnified, especially the butterflies doing somersaults in her stomach. "Thank you for being here, Andy."

She waved it off with a shaky hand. "No problem. That's what friends are for, right?" He looked at her wistfully then and she couldn't help but detect the sadness in his eyes. "Yes, ofcourse. Friends."

She couldn't help but notice how lame that sounded, even to her.

"_Now you don't have to fake it anymore," _she was suddenly reminded by the voice of reason. Sam's voice in her head. She swallowed hard, suddenly feeling clausterfobic. Worse, he'd noticed.

"Look Andy, you don't have to stay if you don't want to."

She shook her head. "That's not it. It's this place." She gestured around her. "All of this…the dingy room, the stone-like chairs…it reminds me of where you were staying when you were undercover." She didn't back away from his gaze this time. "I don't want to stay here any longer than I have to—and neither should you. It's not good for you."

One of the corners of his mouth lifted up. "Then what is good for me, MD McNally?"

"Um…well not this." She answered lamely, squirming under his challenging gaze. She decided to clean up a bit and put the pizza boxes back into the bag.

When she turned around again, she almost stumbled into him. _'Damn him and his stealth.'_ She cleared her throat. "I thought you were still sitting at the table," she mumbled, very aware of the fact their faces were only inches apart and she had unconsciously placed her right hand on his chest.

"I'm not." He had a smirk on his face.

"I can see that," she snapped, hating how little it took for him to rattle her. She exhaled and took a step back to reclaim her personal space. "Sam, why don't we get out of here?"

"I don't want to go home yet." He dropped his hands beside him. "Sitting out the aftermath of…" he struggled to find the right word, "failures…at your own at house will keep the memory there. I don't want to come home one day and find that I'm starting to hate where I live."

Andy nodded in understanding. Suddenly, his choice of accommodation didn't seem so strange anymore. "Then let's go for a drive."

"Where to?"

"Anywhere you want. Anywhere from here." _Just for tonight, let's get lost. _

"With you?"

"With me." She nodded in confirmation.

"I'd like that." He smiled genuinely this time, a bright smile that chased the shadows from his eyes and the exhaustion from his face.

"Good, let's go." Andy sighed at the thought of wat lay ahead. A night full of possibilities with Sam Swarek…that was asking for trouble. She hoped she wouldn't do anything she would regret later.

"What are you thinking about?" Sam asked her once they were outside of the room, his arm around her shoulder, bag slung across his hips. She told herself he was just doing that to prevent her from falling off the creepy stairs. "Nothing, just something Traci told me the other day." Her mind drifted back to that evening, which had been careless up until...

"_Sam is a magnet and you're the metal," the chocolate skinned woman told her after a glass of wine too many. "The rules of attraction don't care about what you want or think. Mark my words." _


	3. Flirting with the dark side

**A/N:** Hey everyone! Thank you so much for the reviews! Sorry I'm late with this but a pesky school assignment pretty much took up all my time. Anyway, I've got 2 chapters lined up for you guys. This one today, the other one is almost finished and will be posted tomorrow or on Sunday. Anyway, I hope that makes up for the delay. Keep reviewing and posting your thoughts, good or bad. It keeps me motivated and it helps me improve!

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The contrast between the confinements of the motel and being outside was enormous. Andy just realized it when the air she breathed smelled clean, and the moon that had nestled itself in the dark sky shone down on them with bright light that made every lamp inside the hotel room seem like a weak excuse.

She watched Sam, who scanned the parking lot like hawk. He was a few steps ahead of her, as he always was. _'Always putting my safety first,' _she noted wryly_. _ His shoulders were stiff and the fluid, almost catlike way at which he normally carried himself was exchanged for something almost robotic. In the pale light his hair was so black it shone blue and shadows outlined the muscles of his strong arms.

'_I need to focus on something else.' _Her gaze zeroed in on his truck. She pictured the ride, but drew blanks. Yes, she had been able to make him talk over the phone, but Sam was the kind of guy who simply couldn't handle face to face contact well when it came to personal stuff. Sitting in the car and engaging him in a conversation that consisted of more than just small talk would prove to be one hell of a task.

"I'm sorry but you'll have to drive. With the current amount of alcohol in me, I could get busted even though I am a cop." Sam turned to face Andy who had quietly moved to his side. He was a bit embarrassed to have almost gotten wasted in front of her, but at the same time his senses were so numb he didn't really care. The night usually had a calming effect on him, but tonight that white orb seemed to damn him. He couldn't help thinking that same moon would shine down on Caitlin's grave.

He remembered going to her father's house in hopes of getting some more information. On his way out, the man had pushed an open envelope with countless pictures of his baby girl in his hands.

'_We already have pictures of your daughter, so that won't be necessary,' he assured the worried man. He turned to continue on his path, but Caitlin's father grasped his arm once again, desperate sapphire eyes boring into his. "I want her to matter to you. I don't want her to become another number. She's my daughter, worthy of your attention."_

Those words had cut through him like a knife. He'd told him he would make it all better, but he hadn't. She was dead and the world had lost another innocent child at the hands of a molester.

"Hey, are you okay?" His focused on Andy. She'd moved closer to him and had hooked her arm in his as a silent gesture of support. She eyed him worriedly, but didn't say anything. Sam figured by now she knew he'd speak on his own terms in his own time.

"I'm fine," he said after a while, though it was obvious he wasn't.

"Did you bring a coat or a jacket with you?" she suddenly asked and Sam blinked, caught off guard.

"I did, but the heater in my truck works pretty fast, so we won't be needing it. What is it, are you cold?" He gave her a onceover. The eyecatching electric blue turtleneck she was wearing was snug enough to keep her warm and seemed right for the current temperature.

"No. But put it on anyway because I have a proposition for you."

He shot her a questioning glance but did as she asked, withdrawing his beat up leather jacket from his bag in one motion. Once he'd shrugged into it, Andy had gotten ahold of his arm and was leading him towards the truck.

"We could take your truck," she started, pulling him past the vehicle, "..or we could try _this_ for a change."

_This _was a shiny, black Kawasaki Ninja ZZR-250, dwarfed by the robust truck.

He let his eyes trail over the bodywork, which had only suffered a few scratches. The wheels were new and the chain had been recently oiled. It looked great.

"It's from 2002, but the previous owner only used it sporadically," Andy said, figuring technical people like him would ask for these kinds of facts sooner or later. Sam didn't. He wasn't there to show off his knowledge. "Wow. It's beautiful, Andy." He concluded, meaning it.

"You're the first to see it." Sam's eyes brightened at that and Andy flushed, suddenly happy that the pale light drowned out all color.

"Riding a bike feels like flying and it clears my head. I figured you could use something to clear your head…other than just booze." She trailed off cautiously. She didn't know Sam's past and suddenly she felt sad for it. She wished she knew him a bit better so she could gauge his reaction on things like these.

"What about Luke? Don't you want to share this with him first?" Andy swallowed hard at the challenging question. Sam might have been intoxicated, he was still sharp as ever and he guarded his heart with venom.

'_Don't play with fire, it'll destroy you,' _her mom had once said, in a different situation with a different context, but it felt so fitting right now. Only this time there was more at stake. She'd toyed with his feelings before and it had almost burned both of them down. She couldn't allow that to happen again.

"Try picturing him on a bike," she said, waiting for Sam to visualize her mosquito like built boyfriend. "And add to that his personal preference is to drive slow, and then you should know the answer."

"I've never had the pleasure of sharing a vehicle with Callaghan and I hope to keep it that way. So I'll just take your word for it." He hadn't intended to sound cold, but he couldn't help it from coming off that way.

Andy crossed her arms, eying him like a cranky teenager who just got told she's grounded. "Well, I didn't get helmets yet so I guess it's too dangerous with the risk of getting hurt or busted…" she babbled and he could hear she was already dismissing the idea.

"Andy, what's the point of being a cop when you haven't flirted with the dark side? Of course I'll go with you."

She beamed at him then, like a kid with a shiny new toy. "Yeah, I mean I knew I should have gotten the helmet first, but then I found these sport glasses and they keep the wind out of my eyes really well and—"

Sam got ahold of her shoulder. "Andy, it's okay. Zip up your jacket."

She smiled then, preparing the bike. "Hop on."


	4. Explanation

Hey everyone.

Sorry, this is not a new chapter. I just wanted to give you guys an explanation about why I haven't been updating: I had a car crash. My right arm is broken and I have severe neck pain, which gives me severe headaches, so it's going to take a while for me to recover.

Anyway, I want you guys to know I'm not giving up on this story, but that it's going to take a bit longer. Thank you for all the reviews you all left, it means a lot to me!


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